Jun 11, 2015

It’s all over the news – one of the righteous Duggar boys (a Christian reality TV family) got off by repeatedly molesting four of his younger sisters. A few “surprising” details emerged from this story. First, he confessed it to his parents. Second, his parents didn’t seem concerned, and, to this day, still call his actions a “bad choice”. Third, and presumably most “surprising”, the girls themselves seem to regard it as no issue.

I put “surprising” in quotes because anyone who has lived through such abuse knows that none of those points is surprising, especially the third one. The human brain is very adept at protecting itself. When a young girl is sexually exploited, especially by a close relative, her brain can go into a form of denial, telling her that it’s not really happening, or that it’s not a big deal, and in some cases even convince her that SHE is the perpetrator and HE is the victim. I know this feeling very well, because this is what happened to me.

Most people don’t understand how this is possible, but it’s more common than you want to think about. He was my mom’s younger brother. He was 28 at the time, I was 9. It started out as seemingly innocent uncle/niece play, morphed into slightly less innocent flirting, and gradually escalated to something very sick and very deviant. And I was completely complicit in my own repeated full-on rape with internal ejaculation night after night after night. I never stopped it, never told anyone, and even convinced myself that this was “necessary”. I was convinced it was all my fault, and that I had a “responsibility” to allow him his “#3” – in the vernacular of a 9 year old, this is what I called his orgasm, since I didn’t know the official name for it. And mix a dose of religious oppression into the girl (as with me and the Duggars), and you have a pedophile’s wet dream come true.

How this happens is something we survivors are forced to repress. YOU force us to repress it. Every therapist and psychologist in my trouble past told me it is healthy for me to speak freely and openly about what happened, how it happened, how I felt, how he felt, why I allowed it, why he did it, etc, yet YOU would rather me keep HIS secret. My mom knew what was going on and did nothing because in Native American culture only white men can do bad things – her brother’s perversions are benign. In high school I was ostracized for being the “incest girl”, and the few friends I had didn’t want to know about it. They begged me not to tell anyone because THEY didn’t want the stigma of being friends with the “incest girl”. Family told me to keep it quiet because it makes THEM look bad. Swinger couples pretend to be open, but they are quick to change the subject. And if I ever posted what happened (and how it happened) on this supposedly open-minded website, some idiot reader would interpret it as a “child porn” story, and I’d be banned … and once again it’s MY fault, and HIS secret is again protected.

So I understand the Duggars. The similarities are striking. With the Duggars it started out with seemingly innocent brother/sister play. Like me, the Duggars were raised in an overly religious household. Like me, the Duggar girls probably rebelled against some of the religious rules. Like me, the actual overt sex and his gratification occurred late at night with the girls were (supposedly) sleeping. In my case sneaky little flirts, little touches, little hints were done during the day, but the actual sex was done late at night. I was always awake, but he thought I was oblivious to it because I faked being asleep.

That’s another thing people don’t understand – they question “how is it possible that any man in his right mind can actually believe that a young girl can sleep through an entire sexual episode, from being felt up to being penetrated and ejaculated into. Well, the answer is these men aren’t in their “right mind”. They are overwhelmed with something that normal men can never understand. When a man with this specific perversion faces the opportunity to indulge this specific perversion, they would believe the moon is actually made of Swiss cheese if it allowed them to go all the way with it.

For men like this, this taboo produces such an intense arousal level that when it’s happening they lose all sense of decency and morality. I hid any morsel of awareness from him because I could tell that his obsession with this was so over-the-top that I was afraid of the consequences of him knowing that I knew. So, every single night for three months, I laid there passive, motionless, and quiet and allowed him to do what he needed for his #3. I laid there and struggled with all my might to be a body without a mind, because, although it was a dark room and my eyes were closed, I could somehow feel his gaze pinned on my face, looking for any flinch, wince, flutter or cringe as I felt that thing inch its way up my insides and take residence behind my belly button. Once all the way in, #3 came for him very quickly – usually right on that initial penetration. And I would lay there, quiet and expressionless until every drop of his desperation was done pouring out of him and into me. And when it was done and I was once again alone in the dark, I would feel a mixture of shame and duty, disgust and accomplishment, fear and power, as the liquid remnants of his trip to taboo heaven spent the night oozing out of me and soaking into my bedsheets.

For men like this, acting on their perversion feels less like sex and more like a cocaine rush. Just to give you an idea of the intensity of what drives them, when Jimmy (my uncle) had his #3, he would occasionally black out and fall to his knees. And just to give you an idea of how complicit I was, I even learned how to posture my body to accept his penis quickly and deeply, as this brought on his #3 quickly and intensely. You see, I actually convinced myself that the degree of HIS gratification was MY duty. That made it easier for my psyche to accept this violation.

So don’t judge the Duggar girls. And even more so, don’t condemn the boy. Jimmy was as much a victim as was I. Oh … I forgot - I should never admit that because people like you will probably ridicule me for daring to think such a thing.

On the positive side of this, what happened that summer in 1969 shaped my adult sexuality. I have the ability for enjoyment that most women will never experience. I’m a gangbang/adult theater/dogging girl, and I love it. If it wasn’t for Jimmy, I’d probably be another drunken Native housewife bored out of my wits. I know my involvement in the swinger/gangbang lifestyle, and my sexual cravings for the extreme satisfaction of adult theater sex comes from Jimmy. How do I know this? Well, for one thing, before every adult theater, before every dogging event, and before every sex party, I sniff my jar of Vaseline. That smell triggers an arousal in me that intensifies what is to follow 1000 fold. It’s probably not a coincidence that Jimmy used Vaseline to penetrate me.

Although specific details never came out (and likely never will), I suspect the Duggar girls were penetrated. And I think that’s why the boy finally confessed. My theory is that the oldest girl confronted him and made him confess. She did this to protect her younger sisters, something that wasn't relevant in my case. I wonder if the Duggar sister will grow up to be gangbang girls. Maybe that should be their next reality show.