Mrs. Diskreet and I have been ENM (Ethically Non-Monogamous) for over 10 years now. We have had some amazing experiences and met some absolutely amazing people along the way. As a matter of fact, we have met our best friends in this lifestyle. They are incredible and we honestly couldn't imagine our life without them. We have an amazing core group of friends and we love spending time with them every opportunity we get. Life is great!
With that being said, in the last year or so, Mrs. Diskreet and I found ourselves not enjoying non-monogamy as much as we used to. It was just... not as exciting as it once was. We contemplated taking a break from meeting new people and just focusing on our current core group of friends. We started asking why? Why are things less exciting now? Why do we no longer get excited at the thought of playing with someone new?
Meeting new people was and still is exciting and a lot of fun. We found that meeting, mingling & flirting with people was more exciting than actually playing with them. What does this mean? Are we no longer interested in ethical non-monogamy? Have we gone from non-monogamous to monogamish? This was all so confusing for both of us. By this we mean we are trying to figure out where we land on the spectrum and not necessarily the label we want associated with us. We needed to find the answer.
As previously mentioned, we have had some of the best experiences and met some of the best people in our lives in the last 10 years so what exactly changed? We changed!
It took a lot of deep conversations and self-reflection to figure it out. We have evolved into a couple that wants more than just sex with others. We want more than just physical attraction. We want connection. We want desire. We want to exchange various types of energies. We want to flirt. We want those naughty looks with each other that build sexual tension. We want the fistful of hair combined with a kiss on the neck that sends sexual energy into your core and turns you on. We want that moan that you can't hold in even though you are trying. We want friendship. We want the level of trust that allows us all to completely immerse ourselves into moments of fun, emotion & pleasure. That is what we want and enjoy. Physical attraction alone is no longer enough. We understand that these things don't form immediately after meeting someone but it's what we strive for. Does that make us needy? Yes it probably does but we wouldn't have it any other way.
What lead us to figuring this out was at one point we were reflecting on a couple of different play sessions. We had played with a couple who was very very attractive. We liked them as people. We loved spending time with them but when it came to the sex, it was just... blah. The kind of sex where you ask yourself, are they having fun? Does she like when I do that? Does he like what Mrs. Diskreet is doing to him? Are they enjoying themselves? Are we doing something wrong? There was absolutely no feedback on their part. Not physical, emotional or verbal. Nothing. We played with this couple a few times thinking maybe things will get more comfortable but it never improved. There was no emotion, no desire, no intensity. It felt transactional. Almost like we hired them to have sex and they were doing it because they had to, not because they wanted to. It was just sex. All physical stimulation and no mental stimulation. This bothered us.
Then we started talking about a different play sessions months later with another couple. This couple was less attractive physically but the sex was great. Why?
The second couple was really into us. We could tell they really wanted us. They were expressive when they flirted with us which we both loved. They were intense & passionate during foreplay and sex. We felt desired and we made sure they did as well. This translated into some great energy all around. It was clear they were not playing with us simply because we were available and willing. They were playing with us because they wanted us and not just because they wanted to "swing" with just anyone. They hadn't played with anyone else a long time due to their busy schedule but they made time for us. That felt great!
This is how we discovered we crave connection & energy. As most people in the ENM community know, connection is very hard to find. Even more so when you are looking for that elusive four-way connection. Unfortunately for us, some people in the community are afraid of connection. They do not want their partners to have connections with others. They are threatened by it and we completely understand why. It can be a scary and intimidating thing. We are not casting judgment on people who stay away from connection, we are simply saying that we as a couple, crave it and it's hard to find when others fear it. That's a reason why we have a hard time finding play partners. We have even been called "fake swingers" because we say "no thank you" a lot.
Does all this make us polyamorous? We don't know. Maybe it does or maybe it doesn't. The term polyamorous means multiple love. We do love our friends as you probably do yours but we love them differently than we love each other (Mrs. Diskreet & I). No one will ever match the love we have for each other but that doesn't mean we don't love them in some capacity. We are staying away from that label for now.
After we figured this "craving connection" thing out, Mrs. Diskreet and I completely changed our perspective on the lifestyle. Honestly I needed more adjusting than she did. She figured it out before I did. We changed how we approach events, parties and dates. Sex is no longer the goal, connection is. Lately we have had so many amazing interactions and experiences with people that didn't involve sex. They involved dancing, flirting, touching, kissing and amazing conversations and they rarely lead to sex, and you know what, it's so much fun. There were times where the vibe progressed into sex but it was not the goal, rather a byproduct of the energy we all had together in that particular moment. We prefer to let our energy and natural desires take us there rather than set goals and expectations for it.
We are still developing and evolving. Do we have it all figured out? No, but we can tell you that since we changed our focus and perspective, we have been having fun again. In fact, the most fun we have ever had in our 10 plus years of non-monogamy. Less sex but way more fun! Who would've thought!?
Cheers to all you beautiful people!
